Million Dollar Meatballs

by Todd Wallinger

Published by Pioneer Drama Service. Over 250 productions since 2015.

Get ready for a comedy of epicurean proportions! Two bumbling jewel thieves are on the run from the cops when they duck into Chez Monyeu, a restaurant so bad the mice are their only customers. And that’s just the start of their problems. Not only has Chez Monyeu’s chef just quit, but the city’s most powerful restaurant critic is about to...

Published by Pioneer Drama Service. Over 250 productions since 2015.

Get ready for a comedy of epicurean proportions! Two bumbling jewel thieves are on the run from the cops when they duck into Chez Monyeu, a restaurant so bad the mice are their only customers. And that’s just the start of their problems. Not only has Chez Monyeu’s chef just quit, but the city’s most powerful restaurant critic is about to arrive.

In desperation, the restaurant’s owner, mistaking the thieves for famous French chefs, insist that they make their renowned Million Dollar Meatballs for the tough-minded critic. Insanity ensues as the pair try to keep up the ruse while hunting for the seven priceless diamonds they lost.

Will the thieves get away with their crime? Where could the diamonds have gone? And why are the meatballs so crunchy? Find out in this deliciously funny farce!

Run Time: 70-80 minutes

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Million Dollar Meatballs

Cast of 12 (4M, 4F, plus 4 roles that can be any).


CAST OF CHARACTERS (# of lines)

OLIVE PITT, smart aleck dishwasher; spends more time eating than washing (61)

BORIS STROGANOFF, gloomy Russian waiter; likes to sneak up on people (63)

GINGER SNAP, maddeningly dense busser (76)

GORDON RAMROD, world's second greatest chef; a hothead and British (12)

SUE DEJOUR, owner of the restaurant; permanently flustered (125)

OFFICER SMITH, tough cop (30)

OFFICER WESSON*, another cop; not so tough (19)

BEANS, jewel thief; prefers short words (166)

FRANK, jewel thief; uses big words, some of which actually exist (196)

HUMPHREY, snarky maitre d'; would rather be someplace else (49)

CECIL BLUEBLOOD, arrogant restaurant critic (72)

TAMMY TONEDEAF, singing telegram girl; annoyingly perky (30)

Production History

  • Community Theater, Fiesta Grande RV Resort Community, Casa Grande, AZ, 2025
  • High School, South Callaway High School, Mokane, MO, 2025
  • Community Theater, Faith Fellowship Church, Wirtz, VA, 2024
  • Community Theater, Rex Theatre, Clay Center, KS, 2024
  • Community Theater, Roundup Community Dinner Theater, Roundup, MT, 2024
  • High School, Arborbrook Christian Academy, Matthews, NC, 2024
  • High School, Meridian High School, Macon, IL, 2024
  • High School, Willcox High School, Willcox, AZ, 2024
  • Community Theater, Fellowship Baptist Church, Upper Marlboro, MD, 2023
  • Community Theater, Junior Chipman Players, Chipman, Alberta, Canada, 2023
  • Community Theater, Salem Community Theatre, Salem, OH, 2023
  • High School, Decatur County Middle School, Parsons, TN, 2023
  • High School, Strasburg High School, Strasburg, ND, 2023
  • High School, Trinity Lutheran School, Davenport, IA, 2023
  • Community Theater, Footlighters Theatre Society, Creston, British Columbia, Canada, 2022
  • Community Theater, Historic Opera Theater, Glenns Ferry, ID, 2022
  • High School, Animas High School, Animas, NM, 2022
  • High School, Casey Grammar School, Melbourne, Australia, 2022
  • High School, Columbus Christian School, Columbus, IN, 2022
  • High School, Skyline Middle School, Harrisonburg, VA, 2022
  • Community Theater, The Traveling Drama Troupe, Fond du Lac, WI, 2021
  • High School, Bethlehem Lutheran School, Carson City, NV, 2021
  • High School, Master's Hand Christian School, Moulton, AL, 2021
  • High School, North Border School District, Walhalla, ND, 2021
  • High School, St. John Lutheran School, Plymouth, WI, 2021
  • High School, Thales Academy, Apex, NC, 2021
  • Community Theater, Gulfstream Harbor Theater, Orlando, FL, 2020
  • High School, City Christian School, Ventura, CA, 2020
  • High School, East Knox High School, Howard, OH, 2020
  • High School, Mountain State Christian School, Culloden, WV, 2020
  • High School, Portland Middle School, Portland, CT, 2020
  • High School, St. Francis High School, St. Francis, KS, 2020
  • Community Theater, Ye Olde Opera House, Spring Grove, MN, 2019
  • High School, Silverdale Baptist Academy, Chattanooga, TN, 2019
  • Community Theater, Foggy View Community Theatre, Little Lorraine, Nova Scotia, Canada, 2018
  • High School, Radville Regional High School, Radville, Saskatchewan, Canada, 2018
  • High School, Seabrook Middle School, Seabrook, NH, 2018
  • High School, Trenton Catholic Academy, Hamilton, NJ, 2018
  • Community Theater, Seventh Street Community Theatre, Chino, CA, 2017
  • High School, Derby Middle School, Derby, KS, 2017
  • High School, Gyeongnam International Foreign School, Gyeonggi-do, South Korea, 2017
  • High School, West Lutheran High School, Plymouth, MN, 2017
  • Community Theater, Wichita County Arts Alliance, Leoti, KS, 2016
  • High School, American International School of Abu Dhabi, Abu Dhabi, UAE, 2016
  • High School, Morrison Academy, Taichung, Taiwan, 2016
  • University, Rivier University, Nashua, NH, 2016
  • Community Theater, Wolf Creek Players, Dysart, IA, 2015
  • High School, Discovery Canyon High School, Colorado Springs, CO (World Premiere), 2014