Christmas, Apparently...

by Butch Maxwell

It's Christmas Eve at 114 Oak Street, and Holly Hartwell has the entire day in a binder: forty-nine laminated tabs covering dietary restrictions (confirmed, suspected, and emotionally motivated), arrival windows, and the correct dessert position of her husband Nick's fruitcake. Then the electrician returns with a follow-up question about the wiring. Then their son Chip arrives an hour early with a girlfriend and...

It's Christmas Eve at 114 Oak Street, and Holly Hartwell has the entire day in a binder: forty-nine laminated tabs covering dietary restrictions (confirmed, suspected, and emotionally motivated), arrival windows, and the correct dessert position of her husband Nick's fruitcake. Then the electrician returns with a follow-up question about the wiring. Then their son Chip arrives an hour early with a girlfriend and a rival fruitcake that is mostly Brazil nuts. Then come five frozen carolers, a delivery driver with an unclaimed package the size of a refrigerator, a professional Santa booked for the wrong street — and their daughter Noelle, newly divorced, still wearing her coat, arranging mugs with a precision that has nothing to do with mugs. Her ex-husband is with the carolers. As the circuits fail, the smoke alarm finds harmony with an uninvited tenor, and an electric butter churn runs off the Christmas village outlet, the binder finally meets the one variable it can't measure. A holiday farce about the people who hold Christmas together and the moment they get to put it down.

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Christmas, Apparently...

Character Information

15 actors: 7 women, 7 men, and one role (Alex, the delivery driver) written without gendered pronouns and castable as any gender. No doubling is possible — the play's engine is accumulation, and from Scene 2 onward nearly the full company is onstage simultaneously. Includes one role for a child of about nine (Owen) and one for a teenager (Madison); adult roles span ages roughly 25 to 70, with strong parts for actors over 50. Single interior set.
  • Holly Hartwell
    The family's host. She has planned Christmas Eve in a forty-nine-tab binder and she does not sit. Requires an actor who can play precision as love and land a laugh without asking for it.
    60s-70s
    Female
    Can be played by:
    • Actor Age
      50s,
      60s
    • Actor Race/Ethnic Identity
      Asian, Pacific Islander, or Asian American,
      Black, African, Caribbean, or African American,
      Indigenous, First Nation, or Native American,
      Latinx/o/a or Hispanic,
      Middle Eastern, North African, or Arab American,
      Native Hawaiian and Other Pacific Islander,
      South Asian or South Asian American
    • Actor Gender Identity
      Woman
  • Nick Hartwell
    Holly's husband. Possibly the most content man alive. He made the fruitcake Tuesday, aged it three days, and will offer it to everyone who enters. The still center of the farce; his calm is a skill, and so is the actor's.
    60s-70s
    Male
    Can be played by:
    • Actor Age
      60s,
      70s+
    • Actor Race/Ethnic Identity
      Asian, Pacific Islander, or Asian American,
      Black, African, Caribbean, or African American,
      Indigenous, First Nation, or Native American,
      Latinx/o/a or Hispanic,
      Middle Eastern, North African, or Arab American,
      Native Hawaiian and Other Pacific Islander,
      South Asian or South Asian American
    • Actor Gender Identity
      Man
  • Chip Hartwell
    Nick and Holly's adult son, enthusiastic, in an ongoing relationship with gravity that is going badly. Gets one thing right tonight. Physical comedy role with a real arc underneath it.
    late 20s
    Can be played by:
    • Actor Age
      20s,
      30s
    • Actor Race/Ethnic Identity
      Asian, Pacific Islander, or Asian American,
      Black, African, Caribbean, or African American,
      Indigenous, First Nation, or Native American,
      Latinx/o/a or Hispanic,
      Middle Eastern, North African, or Arab American,
      Native Hawaiian and Other Pacific Islander,
      South Asian or South Asian American
    • Actor Gender Identity
      Man
  • Noelle Hartwell
    Nick and Holly's adult daughter, recently divorced, arriving composed. She keeps her coat on. She straightens things that don't need straightening. The play's dramatic spine; requires an actor who can do everything with almost nothing.
    30s
    Female
    Can be played by:
    • Actor Age
      20s,
      30s,
      40s
    • Actor Race/Ethnic Identity
      Asian, Pacific Islander, or Asian American,
      Black, African, Caribbean, or African American,
      Indigenous, First Nation, or Native American,
      Latinx/o/a or Hispanic,
      Middle Eastern, North African, or Arab American,
      Native Hawaiian and Other Pacific Islander,
      South Asian or South Asian American
    • Actor Gender Identity
      Woman
  • Destiny Parker
    Chip's girlfriend, meeting the family for the first time. Warm, direct, reads rooms and people out loud. Brought a fruitcake that is mostly Brazil nuts. Enters a stranger, leaves essential.
    late 20s
    Female
    Can be played by:
    • Actor Age
      20s,
      30s
    • Actor Race/Ethnic Identity
      Asian, Pacific Islander, or Asian American,
      Black, African, Caribbean, or African American,
      Indigenous, First Nation, or Native American,
      Latinx/o/a or Hispanic,
      Middle Eastern, North African, or Arab American,
      Native Hawaiian and Other Pacific Islander,
      South Asian or South Asian American
    • Actor Gender Identity
      Woman
  • Heather
    Holly's sister. Notices everything, accuses no one, which is somehow worse. Carries forty years of history with Holly in about a dozen quiet lines.
    50s - 60s
    Female
    Can be played by:
    • Actor Age
      40s,
      50s,
      60s
    • Actor Race/Ethnic Identity
      Asian, Pacific Islander, or Asian American,
      Black, African, Caribbean, or African American,
      Indigenous, First Nation, or Native American,
      Latinx/o/a or Hispanic,
      Middle Eastern, North African, or Arab American,
      Native Hawaiian and Other Pacific Islander,
      South Asian or South Asian American
    • Actor Gender Identity
      Woman
  • Jason
    Noelle's ex-husband, now with the carolers. Gracious, settled, genuinely fine — and the completeness of his okayness is the hardest thing in the room for Noelle to look at. No villainy anywhere in this part.
    30s
    Male
    Can be played by:
    • Actor Age
      20s,
      30s,
      40s
    • Actor Race/Ethnic Identity
      Asian, Pacific Islander, or Asian American,
      Black, African, Caribbean, or African American,
      Indigenous, First Nation, or Native American,
      Latinx/o/a or Hispanic,
      Middle Eastern, North African, or Arab American,
      Native Hawaiian and Other Pacific Islander,
      South Asian or South Asian American
    • Actor Gender Identity
      Man
  • Doug
    An electrician who came to replace one dimmer switch. Keeps discovering things that shouldn't happen. His recurring "That shouldn't happen" moves from professional observation to personal crisis.
    40s - 60s
    Male
    Can be played by:
    • Actor Age
      30s,
      40s,
      50s,
      60s
    • Actor Race/Ethnic Identity
      Asian, Pacific Islander, or Asian American,
      Black, African, Caribbean, or African American,
      Indigenous, First Nation, or Native American,
      Latinx/o/a or Hispanic,
      Middle Eastern, North African, or Arab American,
      Native Hawaiian and Other Pacific Islander,
      South Asian or South Asian American
    • Actor Gender Identity
      Man
  • Gary Kringle
    A professional Santa, booked for the wrong street, in his twenty-second and final season. He stays. He just needs one picture. A gift of a role for a veteran character actor.
    60s
    Male
    Can be played by:
    • Actor Age
      50s,
      60s,
      70s+
    • Actor Race/Ethnic Identity
      Asian, Pacific Islander, or Asian American,
      Black, African, Caribbean, or African American,
      Indigenous, First Nation, or Native American,
      Latinx/o/a or Hispanic,
      Middle Eastern, North African, or Arab American,
      Native Hawaiian and Other Pacific Islander,
      South Asian or South Asian American
    • Actor Gender Identity
      Man
  • Alex
    A delivery driver with an unclaimed package and a scanner playing forty-seven minutes of hold music. Deadpan devotion to procedure meeting a house where procedure has failed. Written without gendered pronouns.
    20s - 40s
    Any gender or combination of genders
    Can be played by:
    • Actor Age
      20s,
      30s,
      40s
    • Actor Race/Ethnic Identity
      Asian, Pacific Islander, or Asian American,
      Black, African, Caribbean, or African American,
      Indigenous, First Nation, or Native American,
      Latinx/o/a or Hispanic,
      Middle Eastern, North African, or Arab American,
      Native Hawaiian and Other Pacific Islander,
      South Asian or South Asian American
  • Cheryl
    Community Outreach Coordinator of the Oak Street Community Carolers. Her mission statement has two appendices. Radiates institutional purpose concealing one true thing.
    40s - 50s
    Female
    Can be played by:
    • Actor Age
      40s,
      50s,
      60s,
      70s+
    • Actor Race/Ethnic Identity
      Asian, Pacific Islander, or Asian American,
      Black, African, Caribbean, or African American,
      Indigenous, First Nation, or Native American,
      Latinx/o/a or Hispanic,
      Middle Eastern, North African, or Arab American,
      Native Hawaiian and Other Pacific Islander,
      South Asian or South Asian American
    • Actor Gender Identity
      Woman
  • Barrett
    A tenor. The acoustics in this room are exceptional. He will sing whether or not anyone asks, and once, near the end, it will actually help.
    30s - 60s
    Male
    Can be played by:
    • Actor Age
      30s,
      40s,
      50s,
      60s,
      70s+
    • Actor Race/Ethnic Identity
      Asian, Pacific Islander, or Asian American,
      Black, African, Caribbean, or African American,
      Indigenous, First Nation, or Native American,
      Latinx/o/a or Hispanic,
      Middle Eastern, North African, or Arab American,
      Native Hawaiian and Other Pacific Islander,
      South Asian or South Asian American
    • Actor Gender Identity
      Man
  • Evelyn
    A caroler who has been doing this since before Cheryl ran it. Says little, sees everything, hands people mugs with two hands at exactly the right moments. The play's quiet conscience.
    60s - 70s
    Female
    Can be played by:
    • Actor Age
      50s,
      60s,
      70s+
    • Actor Race/Ethnic Identity
      Asian, Pacific Islander, or Asian American,
      Black, African, Caribbean, or African American,
      Indigenous, First Nation, or Native American,
      Latinx/o/a or Hispanic,
      Middle Eastern, North African, or Arab American,
      Native Hawaiian and Other Pacific Islander,
      South Asian or South Asian American
    • Actor Gender Identity
      Woman
  • Madison
    A caroler completing community service hours. Forty required; she's counting. Unsentimental, watchful, funnier than she intends to be.
    16 - 17
    Female
    Can be played by:
    • Actor Age
      Teens
    • Actor Race/Ethnic Identity
      Asian, Pacific Islander, or Asian American,
      Black, African, Caribbean, or African American,
      Indigenous, First Nation, or Native American,
      Latinx/o/a or Hispanic,
      Middle Eastern, North African, or Arab American,
      Native Hawaiian and Other Pacific Islander,
      South Asian or South Asian American
    • Actor Gender Identity
      Woman
  • Owen
    A child who pays close attention and asks the questions adults have agreed to skip. Requires a young actor who can deliver lines plainly; the plainness is the whole job.
    9
    Male
    Can be played by:
    • Actor Age
      Child,
      Teens
    • Actor Race/Ethnic Identity
      Asian, Pacific Islander, or Asian American,
      Black, African, Caribbean, or African American,
      Indigenous, First Nation, or Native American,
      Latinx/o/a or Hispanic,
      Middle Eastern, North African, or Arab American,
      Native Hawaiian and Other Pacific Islander,
      South Asian or South Asian American
    • Actor Gender Identity
      Man