Gerry Ringwald

“All Roads Lead to the Airport” is a satirically comedic theatrical play that pokes fun at various aspects of show business and Hollywood itself. From strange theme park attractions to recycled TV sitcoms to expensive blockbuster movies, Hollywood is the land of weirdness for a long time. Based on personal observation made by the playwright over two decades, this funny play is full of authentic Hollywood moments that are captured in vivid detail for maximum fun and laughter.
The themes of this collection of short plays all center around the motion picture and television industries’ creative insularity, and its inability to resist recycling the same old, tired storylines and situations, over and over again. It is partially the reason why nearly every movie is now a prequel, sequel, or remake, and why nearly every “new” TV show feels like it was made decades ago.
The first short play, “All That Glitz and Glamour” is about a young out-of-town Tom Cruise fan who comes to a Hollywood movie studio, desperately looking for his idol. “Writer Romper Room” centers on a used car king in Anaheim who dreams of being a Hollywood TV producer. He hires a group of unemployed network sitcom veterans to come up with a TV pilot but makes the mistake of bringing in a college student into the mix, which disrupts the entire brainstorming event in a cataclysmic way. “Down for the Count” chronicles the journey of a motion picture executive who is sent to Transylvania to demand that Count Dracula sell his castle to the studio, so they can turn Castle Dracula into a successful Hollywood-style theme park. “Hitler Goes Hollywood” follows a studio producer quest to genetically clone Adolf Hitler, with the expressed purpose of making the first “authentic Hitler movie.” The task, once completed, has unexpected consequences when der Führer is brought in to meet the top brass studio executives and seal the deal. This is the movie “pitch” for the ages.
“All Roads Lead to the Airport” is full of industry jokes, but the play is also easily accessible and relatable to any audience anywhere. You don’t have be an “insider” to get the humor. This ninety-minute play is fresh, funny, and fabulously relevant to our celebrity-obsessed culture. You will laugh.

The play begins on a Friday morning in a conference room in Berwyn, Illinois. The event is a one-day company orientation seminar for new employees of “Lebuyathan” (pronounced “La-Buy-A-Thon”), one of the top e-commerce firms in the U.S. The seminar is being run by a pair of married “Occupational Reconceptualists,” Fanny and Freddy Foster whose job it is to build break down the negative thinking that hold back the doors of success.

Each of the four new contract employees (with no benefits) has been hired for only six months, with no guarantee of extension. Senior Copywriter Dave Dudley is cranky and his confrontational style has gotten him fired at several agencies. User Experience Analyst Debbie Doberman is data driven and oblivious to the nuances of human behavior. IT supervisor Billy Baxter thinks all computer problems are caused by human folly. Graphic Designer, Bonnie Bennett thinks images trump everything, including content.

What follows is a series of “character building” exercises. All backfire. What follows is a series of confrontations that reveal hidden secrets about all the participants. The play satirizes the so-called “the new economy,” Wall Street, economic recessions, downsizing, worker outsourcing, executive bonus up-ticking, self-actualization, new-age religions, globalization, ageism, sexism, and most other “isms” you can imagine. In short, the play explores the human costs to a society that puts profits over people.

The time is the present. Bill McCarthy, a conservative newspaper columnist is married to Martha Connors, a liberal newspaper columnist is a large city somewhere in the Midwest. Their nightly local cable show is called "Sound Off." They also have a spoiled 19-year old daughter named Sally. Bill thinks his journalistic time has passed and that he'll never host a network show. Then one day, a big story falls right into his lap. He receives a anonymous tweet that large deposits of lithium, a precious metal used to power cell phones and computers, has been found in the mountains of a recent ex-Soviet breakaway country, Castonia. When this story hits Fox News and MSNBC, its jingoist coverage not only propels Bill and Martha into the national spotlight, but almost nearly launches a new Cold War between Russia and the U.S. But then a problem arises. The entire Castonia story might be untrue. And Sally might be the key. But with Russia and the U.S. gearing up for war, is it too late to stop a global catastrophe?

The play takes place slightly in the future. John J. Peterson III (age 67), CEO of Peterson, Connelly and Brown, one of the top Madison Avenue and Steven McCall (age 26), CEO of Parallax Unisystems, Inc., a top Internet Silicon Valley company meet in a luxury hotel in Chicago to discuss a possible merger.

John, feeling that he’s lost his edge and that his clients think he’s old and out of touch, is reluctantly convinced that a merger with a hot Internet company will give him back his marketing mojo. But Steven cockiness and consistent reference to the new “sea change” that has occurred in the ad world because of the web, makes John (who hates web ads) defensive and he vigorously defends the time-honored ad traditions that his family helped created over three generations.

John has recently lost a few major clients, so a merger does have a certain allure. Steven, who made millions selling innovative software to the Pentagon, claims he has a new product that can turn consumers into hypnotized rabid shoppers.

The more they get to know each other over this weekend, the more they come into sharp conflict over their views of marketing and the human condition. Then an event happens which propels both of them into a profound examination of their inner lives and the potential for a merger in peril.

“Not Curing Cancer” pokes fun at the commercialization of cancer and medical research, celebrity fundraising, athlete endorsements, product placement, infotainment shows, hype, sex, show business, and other various targets. Recently widowed, Jane Huxley has entered the workforce after being a stay-at-home mother for over 20 years. Her late husband was a famous Chicago public relations guru. By happenstance, Jane is offered a job at one of the top P.R. firms in the Windy City. She has been assigned to help wealthy businesswoman Harriet J. Roman, promote a non-profit foundation to find a cure for testicular cancer, the disease that took Harriet’s husband. "Not Curing Cancer" is a farcical journey that chronicles Jane’s attempt to put a pretty face on cancer (for marketing purposes) and her desire to seek fame and fortune on her own terms. What Jane discovers is that the road to fame is paved with unintended consequences.

In 1974, Samuel Donner (age 74), famed writer and director, blacklisted in 1949 for his left-wing sympathies, has just died. After the memorial service, Sam’s son Philip Peterson (age 46) and grandson, Billy Peterson (age 24) argue about Sam’s life. Billy is a liberal like Sam, and Philip is a staunch conservative.

Billy tells his father that he is writing a book about Sam and the Blacklist era. Philip is upset. He has been running away from his father’s “Communist ties” all his life. Philip is also worried that his son could get drafted into the Vietnam War, because of his absence from the university.

Back in 1949, Samuel hosts studio head Carl Russell (age 54) and new contract actress, Marjorie MacDonald (age 25) at his home. Sam was a reporter who covered the Spanish Civil War in 1937. After the war, Carl liked his writing and offered him a job in Hollywood.

A few days later, Carl tells Sam that he is worried about of the House of Un-American Activities Committee (H.U.A.C.) hearings. A year earlier, a group of ten writers, producers and directors were held in contempt of Congress for refusing to confirm or deny that they were ever members of the Communist Party. Carl wants Sam to testify. Sam refuses. Carl is not pleased. Their friendship is now very frayed.

Sam’s closest friends, actor Rupert York (age 38) is being pressured to testify. Carl has given him a list of names of alleged Communists for the committee. Most of the names on the list are union supporters and Jews. The last name on the list is Sam’s. That night, Marjorie seduces Sam. The next morning, she is gone. Among the missing items is a file contain compromising material regarding his association with the American Communist Party.

The next day, Sam confronts Carl about the file. Marjorie has moved out and left town. Carl denies any involvement. He also tells Sam that Rupert was killed the night before in a freak car wreck. While still in shock, Sam volunteers to testify in Rupert’s place in front of the committee. Instead of naming names, Sam accuses the committee of behaving like Fascists. Sam knows that he is essentially destroying his own career. Russell tells him he’s through in Hollywood.

Act II begins in 1973. Sam is speaking into a tape recorder, dictating his memoirs. He is starting to have memory loss and writers block, but he speaks to an apparition of Marjorie constantly. Sam can’t seem to come up with anything since Marjorie had mysteriously disappeared. He can’t understand why she betrayed him.

Back in 1974, Philip and Billy are arguing about Vietnam. Billy thinks the Vietnam War is simply an extension of the abuse of power, just like during the Blacklist era. Nixon’s “enemies” list was just another Blacklist. At this point, Billy tells his father that he was kicked out of the university because of his political activism. Philip’s worst fears about his son and the draft are now realized.

Suddenly, Marjorie MacDonald appears. She left town because Carl blackmailed her. It was actually Philip who broke into Sam’s study. Once Philip found Sam’s Communist card, he stole the file, which then somehow got into the hands of the committee. Philip deeply regrets what he did and has been living with the guilt of his betrayal ever since. Now that all the secrets are out in the open, perhaps both father and son can find common ground, and make peace.

Waiting for Wood is a dark comedy that chronicles a young, naïve couple from Texas, who decided to come to Los Angeles to seek fame and fortune as porn stars. Our heroine, Shenandoah, wants to be a rock and roll singer, and thinks that doing a few adult videos will get her some exposure and lead to a recording contract. Their comedic voyage through the vast adult video landscape tests their relationship in strange and humorous ways. Along the way we meet many colorful characters who give us a bird-eye view of adult entertainment industry from a variety of perspectives. The play is about the quest for fame by any means necessary, and how people justify and rationalize their own sometimes contractor motivations and behaviors.

A wealthy used car salesman in Orange County, CA wants to be a T.V. producer in Hollywood. He hires four writers for a weekend to come up with a pilot script. Things don't go as planned.

Hollywood producer Jonah Hirschberg pitches to a room of studio executives a revolutionary ideal. He has secretly cloned Adolf Hitler a year earlier. Jonah brings Hitler to the studio to meet the executives, in the hope that they might greenlight his epic: “Hitler – The Real Story.” After the executives get over the shock of meeting the clone of Hitler, they actually attempt to negotiate with him and “run the numbers.” Comedy ensues.

A 40-year university Archaeology professor meets a Millennial library clerk who informs him that the university library doesn't have any history books written before 1981. Comedy ensures.

Two gay couples get together the night before the 2016 election to discuss who each will vote for for President of the United States. The two men and two women each have very different views on being gay and how that does or doesn't influence who they plan to vote for. Comedy ensues.

Two lesbians meet on a blind date. Jane is gay and proud, and thinks her self-identity is totally related to her sexual preference. Jill believes her sexual preference does not define her as a person. This debate is interrupted by Jane's new lesbian app, Sunni. Eventually the twosome comically becomes a threesome.

An Italian-American couple from Brooklyn come to Chicago to visit their son. The son has a dog named Fred, but nobody can find him. Comedy ensues.

An older male job applicant is being interviewed by an Indian supervisor. Age and cultural issues come into play. Both have some learning to do. Comedy ensues.

A young man is who is a "Occupy Wall Street" protester is confront by a Chicago cop outside the Federal Reserve Bank of Chicago. But the young man is not all he seems. He has a mysterious history. And it has to do with the Chicago Cubs. Comedy ensues.

In the future, a young woman is brought into a mysterious facility for "corrective therapy." In the future, men dominate every aspect of a woman's life. Her psychological evaluation doesn't go as planned.

A young man in a dragon costume meets a young woman on a subway train. The man wants to be a superhero. The woman is. Comedy ensures.

A young couple meet on a blind date. Unfortunately, the girl is abnormally preoccupied with texting on her smartphone. But the twosome becomes a threesome when one of her phone app starts to dominate the evening. Comedy ensures.

Bill Jones and John Smith meet up again at their 20 year high school reunion. But things are not what they seem to be. Memories can be deceiving. Comedy ensues.

Mayor of Hoboken, New Jersey, Carol Jones, is planning on building a sports arena on the Hoboken waterfront, which would displace many people. She is visited that night by the ghost of Senator Jefferson Smith (the character James Stewart played in "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington), who lectures her about politics and doing the right thing. But things might not be what they seem to be. Comedy ensues.

On Halloween night, Count Dracula and his assistant Renfield, are visited by a Hollywood studio executive. She tells the count that her studio has bought his castle and plans to turn it into a theme park. Comedy ensues.

A major new drug, Tan-Talize, has just received FDA approval. The prescription skin cream supposedly cures skin cancer and give your a luscious tan to boot. But as three marketing executives are about to find out from the company's rep, the skin cream has suddenly developed a rather horrendous side effect in the drug trial volunteers. Comedy ensues.

A middle-aged male goes to see his doctor for some Viagra. But what at first appeared to be a fairly straight-forward conversation, turns into a comic nightmare of prescription drug side effect issues.